Grandpa Harley's Dictionary #1

Conservative - ₁A person with a pallid pink brain that waits to be offended and then complains loudly that something has gone beyond their milk toast sensibilities
₂Someone with a surgically removed sense of humour and perspective.
₃ An anally retentive individual that was toilet trained at gun point with lots of shouting.
₄A belief set that means one knows what the Lord would do if he had the facts of the matter (see 'Fanatic')
₅A person who, having no imagination, thinks no-one else should have one either and will kill to maintain that belief.